I'm not worthy!

That's such a funny phrase. I'm not worthy. It's used flippantly, as a joke when people are in the presence of something or someone that they feel is very great. When I was expecting E.A., I would often imagine what it was going to be like to see her and hold her for the first time. I imagined that I would feel extreme joy, which I did. And I knew that I would feel so blessed and grateful to have successfully brought her into the world. After carrying a baby for 9 months, and worrying if everything was going to be allright (at least that's what I did!), it was such a relief to have her arrive, with 10 fingers and 10 toes, a tiny little miracle. I knew that I would be overwhelmed with emotion, which I was.

But one emotion that I didn't expect to feel was unworthiness. I often look at her, and I just can't believe that God gave HER to ME! I feel like she is more than I deserve. Those first couple of weeks at home, I couldn't believe that they let me take her home from the hospital. Just like that. She was mine. I remember thinking, "shouldn't I have to take a test, get a background check...something??" Nope. God created her, and he gave her to me. What a gift!!!!!

I can only compare it to the feeling of becoming a Christian, and getting to the place where you get it...you realize that even though you didn't do anything to deserve it, God loved you so much that He made a way, through Christ, for you to be in fellowship with him forever. He gives us the gift of salvation. I remember being younger, and being so excited about that, and so excited about my relationship with the Lord. I would tell people about it, because I wanted them to know. Having my daughter has made me look anew at the wonder of his creative power. He is the Creator! And He is the Savior. And He loves us even when we don't deserve it, because that's who He is. And now there is another soul in the world, and I am already praying for her, that she will grow up with a tender heart, a heart that has a passion for God.

I am so thankful for and humbled by the precious little life that God is letting me be a part of.